Friday, December 12, 2008

Stamford Paint Gun Officer: Vote for Me!

This letter to the Advocate just reminds me why I, along with maybe the Stamford cops, need to receive authorization to shoot obnoxious drivers' cars with paint guns. The paint will be designed to wear off after one week- maybe two. That way, your car is not permanently damaged, but everyone around you, including your gossipy neighbors, will know that you were driving like an a-hole who thinks that where you're going is so much more urgent than where everyone else is going.

To the editor: The surprise in the Dec. 7 letter regarding the small dog being run over by the speeding car is not that it happened, but rather that there are not more letters with the same kind of story every day.

Quite simply, drivers are out of control in Stamford. They drive three or four times the speed limit, pay little or no attention to stop signs and less attention to the no-right-turn-on-red signs - all because they have little or no fear of being pulled over because we do not have enough police cars on the road at any given time.

Just today while walking my dog, I had to wait for the one millionth time as not one but two cars made a right turn on red off Summer onto North Street - where there is a sign saying no turn on red. To top it off, they barely even slowed down.

This year I have been to Israel; Canada; Lexington, Ky.; Las Vegas; Columbus, Ohio; and Atlanta, and there is no question that the worst drivers I have come across are right here in Stamford. I don't know if there is an arrogance to a lot of us here. I don't know if it is we think the rules don't apply to us. I don't know what it is. But it is a problem our elected officials need to address. We could probably avoid tax increases for years to come if we had enough police to write tickets.
Robert Stiskin-- Stamford

Yeah! Unless there's a woman in the car about to have a baby, don't turn right on red if the sign says not to, and don't cut off pedestrians in the crosswalk, punks. I'll admit, I myself occasionally drive like a bit of an a-hole. Not as much of an a-hole to where I blatantly endanger people, but I might speed, or I might not stop to let a pedestrian cross. (I'd never cut one off who's already in the crosswalk though- that's psycho, and those are the drivers I hate and want to shoot with my paint gun.) I'll submit myself to this plan; that's how strongly I feel about it. If I do something dangerous, my car should be shot with a paint gun, too.

Here's my original paint gun post:

I'm sick of Stamford people pushing me around. I might have to start fighting people. No, I wouldn't do that. I will, though, think about asking the Stamford police for a special dispensation to carry and fire a paintball gun in public. Did I ever blog about that? I got that great idea in August. I'll blog more about it later, but it involves me being a trusted public servant who gets to shoot a paint gun at say, cars who are rude to pedestrians, or people who kick my seat on purpose at the movie theatre. That way, I get the pleasure of physically assaulting people without actually hurting them, and mean people get the message: "That was mean. I saw you. I don't like you. This is your punishment. Don't do it again. Be nicer."

I really don't see what the problem with this plan would be. Will you sign a petition to get me certified to be a Stamford Paint Gun Officer? I'm the perfect person for this: level-headed, fair, fearless, nice but a tiny bit bitchy on the inside.

12 comments:

Jonathan "JR" said...

It boggles my mind how psychotic and impatient people in this town can be. Yellow lights mean nothing and red lights mean "one last chance - hit it!" I've learned to wait a few seconds after I get a green light at certain intersections because there's always one ***hole who just HAS to speed through.

Anonymous said...

OMG, Stamford driving drives me insane. I can't tell you how many times my husband or I have nearly been run over by cars turning right on red without bothering to check if there are pedestrians at the crosswalk! If you're driving around town, I'm the idiot waving my arms before I set foot onto the street to make sure the driver noticed me, and just yesterday, I had to rap on the FRONT of a car that was inches from hitting me - the driver actually did sort of look left but looked right through me in search of cars or decided I won't do much damage if he nudged me out of the way. It is a wonder more pedestrians don't get hit. I would love it if they closed off downtown and made it pedestrian only at certain times. How about that for increasing foot traffic for the stores and restaurants, and just making it a friendlier city?
My personal peeve though, is the train station. You know the little area where cars can pull in to pick up or drop off passengers? Can you explain to me why some people are too important to actually pull in and end up blocking teh actual road, the one where cars speed, and you are right after a hill so you can't see the line of stopped cars in the middle of the road? What is up with that? I just don't get it! Pull in! It doesn't even make your passengers god forbid, have to walk any further! It makes no sense to me. Can someone explain it?

OK, got a little carried away there, but yes, I'll sign the petition, as long as you promise to stand at the train station for an hour or so in the evenings.

Bruce Beckett said...

This is a very interesting thread as I am becoming increasingly concerned about the lawlessness of many Stamford drivers. Take the lights at Bullshead for example. During rush hour, you have to wait ten seconds after they turn green for the delinquent drivers running a red light to turn on to Long Ridge Road. And the other day, when I driving up Weed Hill to Newfield Ave, some buffoon started f***ing and blinding me because he couldn't squeeze through a narrow gap on my right. I was virtually touching the bumper of the car ahead of me so I couldn't move any further forward. The police are never around when you need them, yet you can guarantee there's always a car sat by the fire station on Washington Boulevard every morning trying to catch a commuter going more than 35 mph. Not sure about paint guns though. That would probably lead to complete anarchy and shoot-outs on the streets of Stamford.

Anonymous said...

People drive crazy in Stamford because its poorly laid out and extremely frustrating to navigate. I would rather drive through Manhattan any day.

The only city I like driving in less is Boston, and their drivers are notorious for the same reason.

Shooting a car with a paint gun in Stamford would be suicidal.

Not only is Stamford one of my least favorite cities to drive in, its also one of the cities I feel least safe in.

I have had big guys who were obviously wasted slam the hood of my car and yell at me while they use the crosswalk - ??

I was walking to my eye doctor one afternoon and a full bottle of coke flew by my ear, thrown from a pack of 8-9 black teenagers who were yelling something indiscernible.

I have been to Manhattan about 100x more in my life than Stamford and never felt as uncomfortable as either of those situations.

Anonymous said...

I once had a road-ragey guy get out of his pickup and approach my car screaming and waving his fists, all because of some sort of merging confusion northbound on Grove Street.

A friend of mine from out of town used to say that everyone in Stamford drove like they were going through a bad divorce.

J from CT said...

Other hotspots where lanes/signals are ignored:

The right-turn only lane on South State Street at the intersection of Canal - yeah, sure it's right-turn only.

The no-left-turn sign during rush hour at Strawberry Hill and Fifth - clearly optional, and traffic backs up to Tully when dummies sit there and wait.

Above was mentioned the Bull's Head and Long Ridge intersection. That's if you're lucky enough to not have someone block the box on you during rush hour, of course!

The right-turn-only lane at Hoyt and Morgan. The way the sign is positioned it looks like it's for Morgan, not Bedford, but I've never seen anyone pulled over for going straight there.

But Stamford's Dept of Transportation is also "asking" for some of their (our) problems. The sequencing of the traffic lights sucks. I was driving up High Ridge this morning around 7, and d@mn if I didn't have to stop at most of the lights.

And there's no reason for a light to turn red on a main street at 2 in the morning for more than 10 seconds unless another car is
coming up the side street. Ever sit at High Ridge and Oaklawn for over a minute in the early morning/late evening without a soul around?

And sometimes, apparently just for s---s and giggles, traffic lights stay green for about 5 seconds before going back to yellow. S. State St & Elm., Glenbrook & E. Main.

Irenesbooks said...

And it will get worse as the economy gets worse. There was a study done some years back showing that drivers get more impatient and erratic when they have to worry about the economy.

Anonymous said...

Not enough Police cars on the road, or not enough Police policing?

They can't be everywhere but when they are somewhere, they need to actually police instead of sitting in their cars collecting a pay check...

Julie said...

I take extreme exception to the drivers in Stamford being compared to drivers in Boston. Having lived in and around Boston my entire life until 6 months ago, Stamford drivers are WAY worse. They have this weird sense of entitlement and complete recklessness that astounds me every day.

Anonymous said...

i hate when they block the roads so there is tons of traffic!

Dora said...

Since I moved here in 1991, I have been trying to determine the sociological reasons why Stamford has the WORST drivers (sense of entitlement, suburban isolation, people with huge egos) and I still can't figure out -- I have to agree that it's dog eat dog out there on the roads, though.

Whitemist said...

Oh, StamfordTalks, what a blog! You know i can not stand how Stamfordites drive and I have done my best not to be caught up in the pure selfishness that I see everyday. It is not the layout, its the people, the layout just does not always help. So if I ever get the chance to drive again, just remember, I will try my darnedest not to get caught up in the craziness that are the Stamford drivers. Good luck on the bear cub thing!