SUV Craze, Scary Moms: I Get It Now

We're expecting a baby in March, so we're car shopping. We pretty much need a wagon or an SUV, because I don't want the dog in the back with the baby. God forbid there's any sort of collision, I don't want our hound's claws scratching out the baby's eyes.
I've driven teeny cars for the past ten years (current car = Honda Civic), so I figured I'd be happy with a little wagon, like maybe the Subaru Outback or VW Passat, or perhaps, in my dreams, a used BMW 3 series. I've always said I didn't need a big car. Well, now that I've test-driven the largest wagon in existence, I'm relishing the thought of myself in a huge car. I want to menace the drivers around me who've been menacing me for the past 10 years.

I finally get why people buy big cars. When you have a teeny baby in the car, you want your car to be something that other people avoid. That punk in the Toyota Tacoma this morning, who came awfully close to me as he whipped around me as I was waiting to turn into Village Bagels? I bet that $&@&head would have given me a little more space if I'd been in the 4600 pound, steel encased Mercedes R450, which is the wagon we're eying that's basically the size of a mini-van. Used, it's a pretty good deal, possibly because it resembles a hearse. When I see that thing on the road, I can barely distinguish it from the Mercedes SUV. That's what I want: a big-ass car that's slightly terrifying to others.

I finally understand why all these moms in SUVs act so bitchy and aggressive. They're like mother bears protecting their young. They're going to run us over before we can hurt their babies. I say "we," but who I really mean is men. Women drive cluelessly, but men drive fast and dangerously, and we women don't like that. We want you to be careful. We buy big cars to try to scare you into keeping away from us.

Moral of the story: I've gone over to the FC dark side. I've always self-righteously driven a small car, and talked trash about how pompous it is to drive a big one, but once I was offered a 2-ton vehicle, do you think I shed a tear about giving up my Civic?
When I could only afford a Civic (although actually my Civic only cost 10,000 less than the wagon/hearse), I had to be happy with it.
However, if my husband wants to float me and this gestating baby a huge car, I won't protest. I might feel a little pang to let my Civic go, because that was the car I bought just before my first nephew was born, and a year before I met my husband. That car was with me in the best 5 and a half years of my life.
But, uh, this new car has heated leather seats. And I hate the cold. Yes, I'm ready to upgrade vehicles- for the baby's sake, of course.

In an ideal world, we'd all drive fuel-efficient, yet snow-safe, little cars. We'd drive cautiously, and respect each other on the road, and never take our anger out on other drivers by whipping around them if they're driving slightly below the speed limit.
But this is the FC, and we all hate each other, so big cars make us feel safer. I think I've finally accepted the way the FC works, and this big car marks my transition from nice Southern girl to FC alphabitch.

Maybe. I don't know. I'm still pretty nice and I'm not sure I can shake that.

But just to be safe, watch the hell out if you see this car. --->